I don’t want to be a Superstar

I don’t want to be a superstar.

There I said it. And in your eyes, you probably think I am wrong, or have just given up. But hear me out and realize also, that what you see or think is not going to change me or my path into obscurity.

All of my life, I was asked what I wanted to be. In school I was asked what I wanted to do when I grew up. I said happy. But no one listened. I was shuttled from good school to good school and I eked out a respectable course load with corresponding good grades. I aced the tests, did advanced placement classes, and did well on the SATs. I then was pushed to college where I realized that I was following a dream that wasn’t mine. In rebellion, I fell. And I fell into a world that was even worse. I listened to people who told me where to go, follow their dream, and eventually I met someone who told me he would make my dream come true if I shared his.
Worst mistake of my life. No one, who ever promises you your dream if you follow them, ever, has your best interests for you. I was a child, who met a man. He spoke beautiful words, and I believed him. And he took away my tenuous grasp on my own life. He ruined my life, he ruined my credit, he ruined my friendships, and he ruined my self esteem.

I hid my pain from everyone, and in doing that, people judged me. I knew they were wrong. I became the bad guy. The loner. The grouch. The bad kid.

It took 25 years to get back my soul. I bounced all over. I lived poor, and alone, and crawled out of the mire he left me in. It was a long journey and I still feel some repercussions even today. But ascend I did. I took back my life. At first, I knew I needed to be able to support myself. So I found what came easy to me. I became a nurse. Nursing is a journey. People have a need. Nursing provides for that need and pays the bills. Most times this journey is inspiring and uplifting, but also, the journey is sublimating your needs to take care of someone else’s. It is a means to an end.

Nursing paid the bills. I crawled out of the debt/life hole I was in. Classes in public speaking, philosophy, and social work rebuilt my self esteem and my soul. I made many mistakes. I had many revelations. I met new people and began to trust some. However, too often, as I now realize, in my attempt to gain friends, I pushed too hard and met people who were not good for me.
With age, I have learned this well. I met my best friend and married him. I realized that one of the best things we share is our love for art and our desires to be better people. His journey is his own, and I’ll help him as he asks. He does not tell me he’ll make my dreams come true. He looks at them and helps me if I ask.

Fast forward to today.
My life while not perfect, is okay. I’m never going to be rich. I’m never going to be beautiful or thin. Those ads that scream at me and promise to fulfill my dreams are lies. No-one and nothing outside can make you realize your dreams. Only you can.

Nursing still pays the bills for now. It is merely the $’s per hour that keeps me here. I long for a change, but I know in an unstable world, you keep what you have until you find another way. I am looking for the other way. Because dreams are dreams. Until they aren’t.

I don’t want to be a superstar. I want to be happy, and to me that means capturing the little and brief moments that life tosses us in amidst the anger, worry, and pain. A pretty day, a bill free day, a patient smile, clean laundry smell, a tasty meal, sharing a moment with people who care about you, having a moment to be alone.

This is happy. This is what I wanted. This is what the child called for. And you don’t need to be a superstar to find it. In fact, if I knew this when someone asked me all those years ago, What do you want to be when you grow up? I would have said -old enough to know what happiness is and how to make myself happy.

Thinking.

Today seems to be a day of pondering.

1. If it is the goal is to live a simple life, why is someone always shouting at me to buy things?

2. If the view from your bed is so inviting, why is staying in bed all the time so bad for you?

3. If making friends are so important to your health, why are there so many people out there doing the opposite?

4. If the goal to run for office is to gain power to make a change in what we have now, why do all active politicians forget what they were doing/running for/hoping for once they have achieved office?

5. Why are we all bred to care about pleasing someone else, even when we lose ourselves in doing that action?

6. Why is there a push to only hear diametrically opposite sides, but never the gray areas that interconnect and may cause us to compromise because it touches on the same elements of both of our arguments?

7. Why is it us against them? Who is us? Who is them? And why are we so different?

8. Who are the people who actively pursue WAR as a viable option? How does one think that way and how do they come to that conclusion?

9. If ALL media is fake, how does one get information? Who determines what Media info is real and why?

10. Does that average person have any ability to change things on a level which will change the world, or are we just tilting at windmills along the way?

Reflection

It is decided.

I work in a crazy profession that is very stressful. It is hard on the mind and the body. I sometimes kvetch and whine and pull out my hair.

But.

Because of this my bills are paid, I have food, I have a place to sleep. And— this is the kicker—-I have a little left to pursue freedom- in thought and action. I can seek the fields and forests and walk away from it all.

Soon, I will be too old to maintain that stressful job that pays the bills, and I will walk away into the fields and forests to live out my life. I will have no regrets, because I have done my best with what was placed in front of me.

And I will look to this goal when the above profession threatens my inner core.

There was a day when
I used to care what you said
For you were my friend.
But you walked away from me
and now I repress nothing.

In Support

I work. Not at a job I love, but at a job that pays the bills so I can occasionally do things I love.

All about me I see inspirational articles about finding your passion, living your passion, and working in your passionate area.

Right.

Who are these people? And how can anyone not see that their passion is SELLING you the book on how to chase your supposed passion?

I watch people fall to these scams around me. They purchase said book. They try it for a week or two. Then they fail miserably at it and  beat themselves up over their inability to realize their dreams.

Face it. Life is a plodding course. Drips in a bucket.

Only a few lucky souls get immediate gratification. The rest of us take our pleasure in the small moments of victory throughout our lifetime.

We are not bonfires and fireworks.

We are steady glowing hearths of home fires. Warm and inviting. Longlasting and constant.

Introduction

I am a middle aged, working class, woman who looks a great deal like those around me. I blend into the background and few people actually notice I am there unless I make a concerted effort.

That is my public face.

Inside, I am awash with opinions, knowledge, experience, and gravitas.

I am snide, compassionate, sarcastic, loving, hopeful, hateful, and wondering.

My goal here is to state it like I find it. Because in my daily life, the mask of mediocrity is strong and to speak out shatters the status quo in the environment around me.

Here, I am me.